“I just want a well-behaved child who doesn’t walk all over me.”
A number of us might want to believe that we are “gentle parents”. BUT the frequent “Nos”, repeat reminders, and tantrums eventually affect you. What happened to respect? Parenting has evolved…but my parents did something right! At least I respect them.
Let’s start by defining it - respect (noun) a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities, or achievements. Respect is showing regard for the intrinsic worth of someone or something.
Do we see the word “fear” in there? Do we see the word compliance in there? Simply put, fear is forced, while respect is earned. The cultural misconception that if children fear parents, respect will come naturally is not true!
Being “too strict” doesn’t work
Do you tend to command more, explain less?
Were you raised with too many draconian rules?
Should your child not be allowed to question your authority?
Is severe punishment the answer to violating rules?
“Because I said so…or else” comes to you naturally?
Just your presence in the room or your eyes should do the talking?
Research shows that being “too strict”, harsh, controlling, or “authoritarian” with your kids might do more harm than good. While the parenting style can lead to high academic performance in some cultures such as in many Asian countries, a harsh parenting style also causes a lot of damage to children.
Studies show that kids raised in a strict household tend to be unhappy and show more depressive symptoms
Kids tend to have more behavioral problems: become more rebellious, angry, aggressive (and tend to get punished more!)
A punishment centric environment can induce persistent negative emotions in children making it even harder for kids to learn to self-control and emotional regulation
Children tend to be unmotivated as young adults
Kids are more likely to be bullies
Tend to be less emotionally regulated and have worse social skills
Being too permissive or lenient doesn’t work either (kids grow up without a strong sense of self-discipline, may be more unruly in school due to the lack of boundaries at home, and may be less academically motivated than many of their peers to name a few).
So what’s the secret sauce?
How can I teach my child respect? How can I get my child to respect us? To respect others?
Respect (just like any other behavioral trait) takes a lot of modeling, patience, and cultivating.
Try to understand the “why” behind the misbehavior: Did they hear you? Were they busy doing something else and were interrupted? Why do you think they said that? Why are they acting that way? When we understand the why behind a child’s behavior, we are able to provide nurturing and responsive care.
“Most parents think that if our child would just “behave,” we could maintain our composure as parents. The truth is that managing our own emotions and actions is what allows us to feel peaceful as parents. Ultimately we can’t control our children or the hand life deals them—but we can always control our own actions. Parenting isn’t about what our child does, but about how we respond.”
― Laura Markham
Try to stay calm and respectful during triggering situations: How does this sound - “I asked for chicken. This isn’t chicken. Did you not hear me? How can you mess up my order?” Disrespectful, right? Now imagine how this sounds - “I asked you to not eat cookies on the bed. Did you not hear me? Look at what you’ve done? Who’s going to clean this up now?” How does this sound instead - “Emma, we don’t eat cookies on the bed. It gets crumbs on the bed. Do you like to sleep with crumbs on the bed? Where can we eat these cookies instead?”
Treat your child like you would treat a guest: Would you say “Stop talking now, it’s time to eat” to your guest? But we do say “Stop playing, it’s dinner time. Go to the table, NOW” to our kids.
Be gentle, kind, responsive AND firm: Have you heard about the three Baumrind parenting styles? “Authoritative” parents are warm and responsive to their child’s emotional needs while holding the child to high standards. They set limits and are very consistent in enforcing the boundaries. After decades of research, child development experts recognize that authoritative parenting is the best style of parenting. Toddlers and older children only benefit from age-appropriate boundaries and learning to regulate their emotions in combination with warmth and love.
Don’t want to label your style of parenting? After all, every child is different. Every brain is literally wired differently. AND only YOU know what is BEST FOR YOU & YOUR CHILD.
However, there are certain evidence-based practices that are known to build a strong foundation for future learning, behavior, and well-being. For example, parents using inductive discipline i.e reasoning and reminding your child of rules have fewer externalizing behaviors (physical aggression, verbal bullying, aggression, defiance etc.) and more cooperative behavior in their children. Trying to be “responsive” or “gentle” or “sensitive” AND firm, strict but also loving and not harsh is the right balance. “In our family, we try to be polite and use the word “please”. Can you please try saying that again?” Positive discipline is not the same as being “soft” or permissive. Research shows that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children’s behavior AND mental health. Research also finds that logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique. In fact, natural and logical consequences are also recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).
Prioritize emotional intelligence: Emotionally intelligent families raise children who are better able to pay attention, are more engaged in school, have more positive relationships, and are more empathic. These children also regulate their behaviors better and earn higher grades.
Offer a true apology when you mess up: You are not undermining your authority by apologizing. You only strengthen your attachment by doing so. Moreover, you are teaching your child to take responsibility when they mess up and respect another individual’s feelings.
“Too many adults demand respect from kids without showing any respect in return. Doesn’t work.”
- Lyle Perry