❓Raise a well-behaved child

How?

Why is parenting harder today? Because we’ve never had access to so much information before AND we’ve never emphasized acknowledging or validating feelings and emotions as much before.

When you think of parenting, most parents usually think respect, discipline, AND a well-behaved child. “Why aren’t you listening” or “Because I said so” are used a thousand times every day. But there is a difference between respect and compliance. There is a difference between assertive and aggressive behavior. AND there is a difference between expectations and reality.

“In terms of development, very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their first three years. They haven’t mastered the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings, and they live their lives completely in the moment—which is why they will drop everything to squat down and fully absorb themselves in watching a ladybug crawl along the sidewalk, not caring one bit that they are late for their toddler music class. Logic, responsibilities, and time don’t exist for them yet. But when a toddler begins asking “Why?” all the time, you know that the left brain is beginning to really kick in. Why? Because our left brain likes to know the linear cause-effect relationships in the world—and to express that logic with language.”

- Daniel J. Siegel, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, Survive Everyday Parenting Struggles, and Help Your Family Thrive

“We HAVE to share” or “Give this to her, you’re her older brother”. Children’s sharing skills usually don’t appear until 3.5-4 years of age and it’s all related to the developing brain. Sharing is also difficult for young kids because it involves a sacrifice of something valued to benefit someone else (“But it’s mine”). Similarly, since a child’s language skills and empathy are also developing at the same time, children express their “big feelings” in the best way they know (snatching, crying, hitting).

You know what leads to a “well-behaved” child? The warmth and responsiveness of the parent. Studies also show that kids who feel safe and secure are more likely to develop and use appropriate emotion regulation skills or “behave”. 

What is emotional regulation?

“Emotional regulation refers to the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express their feelings. Emotional regulation can be automatic or controlled, conscious or unconscious, and may have effects at one or more points in the emotion producing process.”

- James J. Gross

Did you know that emotion regulation is not something we are born with? Emotional regulation begins to develop rapidly in the toddler and preschooler years and it continues to develop into adulthood (aren’t we all still learning?).

Does that mean that we need to control our emotions? Or consciously display positive or pleasant emotions? Or decrease or suppress negative feelings? Or constantly fix our emotions? Not really. In fact such varied perceptions of emotional regulation lead to stereotypical expectations such as “Boys don’t cry”(3 min video worth a watch).

While controlling our emotions is one way to regulate, manage, or change emotions, it is not the only way. Studies show that suppressing emotions or hiding your feelings or even denial actually endangers your health and well-being, both physically and psychologically. Moreover, studies also show that parents suppressing feelings of stress around their kids can actually transmit those feelings to the children.

“Emotion regulation is not just about expressing emotions in a socially appropriate manner. It is a three-phase process that involves teaching children to identify emotions, helping them identify what triggers those emotions, and teaching them to manage those emotions by themselves. When we teach kids that their emotions are valid, we help them view what they feel as normal and manageable.”

- The Gottman Institute

Yes, parents play a major role here. The best way to help your child learn how to regulate emotions is to show them how. Evidence suggests that kids pick up our emotions, and that those exposed to draconian rules, strict or permissive discipline, maltreatment and/or a punitive environment are more likely to struggle.

Traits of an emotionally intelligent family

• They do not judge emotions.

• They respond. They don’t dismiss.

• They acknowledge the reflexive nature of emotions.

• They recognize their triggers, acknowledge them, and then work on ways to express them appropriately.

• They know that behavior is a choice, an emotion is not.

• They know that all behavior has meaning and is a form of communication.

• They don’t shame and/or humiliate for misbehavior.

• They encourage open communication.

• They have a growth mindset.

• They see a crisis as a teachable moment.

• They practice healthy emotion-coping strategies such as mindfulness, positive reappraisal, and gratitude.

That does not mean that they do not CORRECT their child’s behavior. It does mean that they respect their child while GUIDING their behavior. For example, “Sharing can be fun. When you share your toys with Emma, she’ll want to share her toys with you. But if you don’t share your toys, she won’t share her toys with you either. How would you feel if Emma didn’t share her toys with you?”

It also does not mean that they allow their child to DO whatever they want. It means that they allow their child to FEEL what they want. “I know you’re upset because you want to play more. It’s time for dinner now. How about we play together after dinner, which toy would you like to play with?”

They also PRAISE behavior they want to see. “I noticed that you cleaned up after one reminder today.”

Are you fueling your child’s misbehavior?

❌Losing it or adding to the chaos. "Stop crying" "I gave you what you wanted!" "You're making me sad." "It's not something to be so upset about!" or yelling during a tantrum or meltdown only make it WORSE.

❌Reasoning with your child or behavior correction rarely works when stress is high (the emotional brain has taken over). "You need to stop screaming in a restaurant and behave yourself." or "Let's take deep breaths."

❌Giving in: "Okay here, you can eat more cookies, but stop crying." Giving in helps children learn that tantrums help them get what they want.

❌Bribing. "If you stop crying we can eat pizza for dinner." Here's why...while this approach works wonders in the moment, you're kinda training your child to use a "tantrum" or a "meltdown" to get whatever they want in the future.

❌Using a “tit for tat” approach or hitting or kicking a child back to "teach" them that these actions hurt. The opposite often happens — your child may learn that this is acceptable behavior because a parent is doing it.

How can I help my child with emotion-regulation?

How can I discipline my child without punishing?