As parents, all we want is for our children is to be happy and successful, right?
Research shows that our success at work or in life depends 80% on EQ and 20% on IQ. In fact, as per the Harvard Business School, emotional intelligence accounts for nearly 90 percent of what sets high performers apart from peers with similar technical skills and knowledge.
“The most effective leaders are all alike in one crucial way: They all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional intelligence. It’s not that IQ and technical skills are irrelevant. They do matter, but...they are the entry-level requirements for executive positions.”
-Daniel Goleman
What lays the foundation for a child’s emotional development? The first five years.
Children with higher emotional intelligence are better able to pay attention, are more engaged in school, have more positive relationships, and are more empathic. They also regulate their behaviors better and earn higher grades.
On the flip side, 1 in 6 U.S. children aged 2–8 years (17.4%) had a diagnosed mental, behavioral, or developmental disorder? For children with anxiety, more than 1 in 3 also had behavior problems (37.9%) and about 1 in 3 also had depression.
As per the World Health Organization, globally, one in seven 10-19-year-olds experiences a mental disorder, accounting for 13% of the global burden of disease in this age group. Depression, anxiety and behavioral disorders are among the leading causes of illness and disability among adolescents. Suicide is the fourth leading cause of death among 15-19 year-olds.
Exposure to toxic stress, traumatic or adverse experiences in childhood can have a negative impact on the development of the brain when it’s most vulnerable i.e the first five years. When the brain senses physical or psychological danger (triggered by emotions such as stress, anxiety, anger, fear, aggression), the emotional brain takes over and activates the fight, flight, freeze or fawn mode. A special memory is created and stored separately from normal memory. Fear conditioned memory makes you feel miserable, shuts down the “thinking brain”, and is what underlies mental disorders such as depression, anxiety, and posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) later in life.
How can you nurture your child’s developing brain? Build a strong foundation for future learning, behavior, happiness, success, and well-being? High-quality experiences in the first five years. In a way, the way we respond to our children influences their emotional development.
What is emotional intelligence
While the terms emotional regulation and emotional intelligence are often used interchangeably, they are not exactly the same. Emotional regulation is the process by which individuals influence which emotions they have, when they have them, and how they experience and express these emotions. Emotional intelligence (also known as emotional quotient or EQ) focuses—among other things—on individual differences in emotional regulation.
Emotional intelligence is defined as the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as recognize and influence the emotions of those around you. The term was first coined in 1990 by researchers John Mayer and Peter Salovey, but was later popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman.
What are the traits of emotionally intelligent people?
An ability to identify and describe what people are feeling
An awareness of personal strengths and limitations
Self-confidence and self-acceptance
Accepting responsibility for mistakes
The ability to let go of mistakes
An ability to accept and embrace change
A strong sense of curiosity, particularly about other people
Feelings of empathy and concern for others
Showing sensitivity to the feelings of other people
The ability to manage emotions in difficult situations
How can you raise an emotionally intelligent child?
Be aware of a child’s emotions.
All behavior has meaning and is form of communication. All behavior is a form of WHY. When we understand the meaning of children’s behaviors, we’re able to better provide nurturing and responsive care. Even young children let us know what they want and need through their behavior long before they have words. When your baby is crying, what is she trying to tell you? Is she hungry? Has she had a bowel movement? Is she tired? Does she want to be held?
Understanding the purpose behind a child’s behavior helps you respond in the moment and gives you information that will help you support the child moving forward. When we respond to children’s behavior, we pause to try to guess what the child is communicating instead of just reacting to the behavior. It also helps us think about what skills we need to teach children so they can continue to develop their communication skills. Is your toddler throwing food on the floor or refusing any more food or having a tantrum during meals? He might be full or “all done” with his meal? Does he not want to try the “new food”? Is he bored? Is he hungry for your “attention”? Why is your toddler getting aggressive? Is she jealous of a new sibling? Does she not want to share? Is she missing connection?
Connect before you correct.
“In terms of development, very young children are right-hemisphere dominant, especially during their first three years. They haven’t mastered the ability to use logic and words to express their feelings, and they live their lives completely in the moment—which is why they will drop everything to squat down and fully absorb themselves in watching a ladybug crawl along the sidewalk, not caring one bit that they are late for their toddler music class. Logic, responsibilities, and time don’t exist for them yet.” - Daniel Siegel.
A child’s emotional brain (right brain) is highly emotional, reactive, impulsive, and illogical. This is the brain in control when your child is angry, screaming and on the floor, hitting, stressed, fearful. There is no point reasoning and using logic when your child’s emotional brain has taken over…because the emotional brain will not hear what you’re saying (and you’ll only get more frustrated). So how can you reactivate your child’s “thinking” and logical brain? By listening empathetically, being there for your child, and validating a child’s feelings. “I know you’re upset because you want to keep playing. Playing is so much fun, right?” Let your child calm down and be more inclined to listen before you teach.
Help your child recognize their emotions and situations that trigger those emotions.
“If you go to bed late, you will be tired and cranky in the morning. Remember when you woke up all tired yesterday? How did you feel?” Discover appropriate ways to solve a problem or deal with an upsetting situation. “It seems like you and Emma both want to play with this toy. What do we do now? How can we solve this problem?” or “I know you’re mad because Emma snatched your toy. I would be so mad too. But hitting is not okay. Hitting hurts. How would you feel if Emma hit you?”
Label emotions in words a child can understand.
Help your child label the emotions they are feeling. Being aware of and understanding emotions helps children communicate, and eventually manage and be more in control of their feelings. It also helps them not only understand what others are feeling but also respond appropriately.
make different faces and have your child guess what emotion you might be feeling
look at facial expressions in story books, pamphlets, flyers; try making that face and describe the emotion
help your child label their emotions throughout the day – “It looks like you are feeling upset because we couldn’t play outside today; what can we do to make you feel better or would you like to play another game together?”
while reading or watching T.V, ask your child to guess how the characters are feeling- “Why do you think they are feeling that way? Can you make a face that shows that feeling?”
play a game of charades and ask your child to guess the emotion. Write or draw some emotions on pieces of paper and place them in a bowl. Now take turns choosing one emotion and acting it out for the other person to guess. Then talk about what might make you feel this way.
read books on emotional intelligence. Making Faces: A First Book of Emotions by by Abrams Appleseedd, The Way I Feel by Janan Cain, The Rabbit Listened by Cori Doerrfeld are some great books to start with.
Recognize emotional expression as an opportunity for teaching.
What is the #1 trait of an emotionally intelligent family? They do not judge emotions. What does that mean? They acknowledge the reflexive nature of emotions, recognize the triggers, acknowledge them, and then work on ways to express them appropriately. They know that behavior is a choice, an emotion is not. “You were so angry that you didn’t get more candy with your dinner. Candy is tasty but eating too much can give you cavities and we discussed eating some more tomorrow. It’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to throw your food on the floor. What can we do the next time you’re so angry? You could take a deep breath like Daniel the tiger? When you’re angry and you want to roar, take a deep breath and count to 4. 1,2,3.4…….Let’s try it!”
Model self regulation. Children learn what they live and parents modeling emotional regulation is one of the best ways to teach self regulation. Yes, it’s not okay to yell at your child! But we are human, we get overwhelmed, and it happens! However, consider this. Name your emotions out loud to your children, “I am frustrated right now and I am raising my voice. I am going to take deep breaths to calm down“…. and you just modeled self-regulation. “I am so angry, I could slam this door! I won’t, but that’s how angry I feel right now. I am just going to step away and try to calm down.”
Teach coping skills (not during a tantrum or meltdown). Help your child practice deep breathing, count to 10, hug a stuffed animal, use a stress ball to help with emotion-focused coping. You can practice these strategies using dolls or stuffed animals during pretend play. “Mr. Teddy looks a little stressed. Does he need a hug to feel better?”
Praise behavior you want to see. “I noticed that you helped your sister wear her shoes today. That was so kind of you.”