Have you heard about the The Harvard Study of Adult Development, which launched in 1938? This 75 year study is the longest scientific study of happiness tracing people from their teenage years into old age (it also included President John F. Kennedy) and gleaning major insights about what makes a good life along the way. Whoa! An evidence-based study that tells you about the secret to happiness. Has to be a must read!!!
Ask any parent, what do you wish for your child? “I just want my child to be happy and successful!” Right?
Did you know that about half of our level of happiness is based on genes. Some kids are born happy and are just happier, more upbeat than others. But did you also know that research has suggested that 40% of people’s happiness comes from the choices they make.
What are these choices? Here are 3 lessons from the study.
Focus on what’s important…to YOU
As people get older, they focus on what’s important to them and don’t sweat the small stuff. Life is short! Yes, we all want to make tomorrow better. But let’s start by making TODAY better. What makes you happy? Singing? Dancing? Listening to music? Travel? Living on the beach? Do you really need to wait to retire to do what makes you happy?
“When you are older you have more opportunity to return to the activities you associate with happiness.” - Dr. Robert Waldinger
Moreover, your happiness is also the secret behind providing responsive care and developing a secure attachment with your child.
Social connections are better for our health and well-being
Did you know that Costa Rica, also ranked as the happiest country in the world, has some of the oldest people, with life expectancy of 78.5 years. Why? Because of a culture of forming solid social networks of friends, families, and neighborhoods. The Harvard study further validates this.
“Personal connection creates mental and emotional stimulation, which are automatic mood boosters, while isolation is a mood buster. People who are more isolated than they want to be from others find that they are less happy, their health declines earlier in midlife, their brain functioning declines sooner and they live shorter lives than people who are not lonely.” - Dr. Waldinger.
The study suggests that good relationships are not only good for our bodies but also for our brains. Another study from 2017 also shows that higher social interaction within the community is associated with a lower risk of cognitive decline.
“It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people’s memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can’t count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline.”- Dr. Waldinger
Close relationships matter more than the number of connections
In a recent survey of millennials asking them what their most important life goals were, over 80% said that a major life goal for them was to get rich. And another 50% of those same young adults said that another major life goal was to become famous. Why? Because being rich, famous, and the comforts associated with being rich and famous are associated with happiness. What does that lead to? Working harder; pushing harder; compromising on family time, personal time, and mental health only to work on a better future.
Is that really what keeps people happy as they go through life?
The study finds that higher-quality close connections are more important for our well-being than the number of connections. In fact, the study also highlights that close relationships with spouses, family, friends, inner social circles are better than riches, fame, and accolades for long term happiness.
“It’s not just the number of friends you have, and it’s not whether or not you’re in a committed relationship, but it’s the quality of your close relationships that matters”. - Dr. Waldinger
How can you raise a child who values good relationships?
Allow for uninterrupted, unstructured quality time with your child everyday (even if it’s just 5 minutes). There are a million ways to spend time with your child but only one right way- your undivided attention. Do things that you both like doing together - playing, singing, dancing, jumping, reading, being goofy.
Stop and think about what your child’s behavior is telling you. Remember, your child is just acting their age and not “misbehaving”. All behavior has meaning and is a form of communication. When you understand the meaning behind your child’s behavior, you’re better able to provide nurturing and responsive care, and teach.
Respect your child’s feelings and treat them how you would like to be treated. Accepting your child’s feelings (even if it’s for something as silly as the color of the apple), not making fun and/or minimizing your child’s feelings helps not only develop a strong bond with your child but also increases the chances that they will share more with you as they grow up.
Encourage your child to express their feelings in age-appropriate ways. Teach children acceptable ways to vent anger, like drawing an angry picture or using an angry chalk, running in the yard, or walking away to a calming area for some time alone. Help them learn how to cope with these feelings such as taking deep breaths, listening to a song. Label your own feelings, “I am happy because you helped me clean up,” or “I am so mad right now. I just need to step away for a minute and take some deep breaths to feel better”.
Use conversation as a way to learn more about your child’s opinions, thoughts and feelings, even if they’re different from yours.
Allow your child to express themselves without feeling judged. It’s okay to wear mismatched socks!
Provide opportunities for your child to develop relationships with other kids. Play dates or visits to the playground are great opportunities for learning to take turns, sharing, problem-solving, and experiencing the joy of friendship. Talk to children about how other children might be feeling, “Was Emma at school today? Was she upset when her mommy dropped her today? What made her feel better? Did you play together?” or “How would you feel if Aavir smashed your tower?”
Good life is built with good relationships. Watch the TED Talk here.