Discipline is probably like screen-time or baby-feeding...everybody has an opinion on it and everybody has advice on what helps with "good behavior".
Do you wonder, how can I discipline a child if I don’t punish? I was punished as a child, and I turned out fine. To start with, there is a difference between the terms “discipline” and “punishment” and you don't need to punish to discipline. However, the terms are used interchangeably all the time.
Yes, CATCHING YOUR CHILD BEING GOOD or PRAISING DESIRED BEHAVIOR as it occurs is one of the best ways to change, improve, or correct behavior. But does that mean that you cannot CORRECT your child? No it does not! Corrective consequences paired with teaching of the expected behavior can increase the likelihood of behavior change.
Research shows that kids are more likely to improve when we focus on reinforcing what they’ve done right and praise behavior we want to see rather than only correcting behavior we don't want to see or punishing undesired behavior. "You cleaned up after one reminder today." "I love that you gave your brother a turn when he asked." "Thank you for letting me know when you wanted to use the bathroom." I love how you said that politely.” "That bottle was hard to open and you kept trying."
Research also shows that clear and consistent consequences are very effective in improving children's behavior AND mental health. Research also finds that logical consequences are rated as the most effective discipline technique. In fact, natural and logical consequences are also recommended by the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP).
Natural v/s Logical Consequences
“Natural consequences” are those things that happen in response to your child's behavior without parental involvement or interference. You do not actually deliver a natural consequence yourself. Instead, you allow nature or society to impose the consequence on your child by not interfering. Sometimes children might need to experience the "natural consequences" of their decision-making to learn the lesson.
For example, if your child refuses to put on a coat, your child will feel cold.
AVOID: "You have to wear your coat or we are leaving you home." "Don't be ridiculous! Put on your coat now. I'm not going to say it again" and put the coat on your child. "I'm tired of arguing with you over every little thing. Put that coat on NOW!"
TRY: "It's really cold outside and you’ll be cold without your coat." If your child refuses, allow your child to go outside without their coat.
As parents we want to protect our children from failure. But it is actually better for children to fail earlier rather than later. When they fail early, they learn early. For example, “If you go to bed late, you will be tired and cranky in the morning” or “If you throw all your toys around, you might trip on your toys and won’t be able to find what you’re looking for.“
Natural consequences don't mean that parents don't do anything. In fact, it's the perfect opportunity to talk to your child and explain what will happen so they can learn when it does happen. For example, "Sharing can be fun. When you share your toys with Emma, she'll want to share her toys with you. But if you don't share your toys, she won't share her toys with you either." The next time they want to make the same mistake, remind them about what happened before.
Invoking fear or abandonment by saying "I'm going to leave you here" and/or forcing your child to do something, or punishing your child might only lead to more tantrums and meltdowns, and low social competence and regulation skills.
“Logical consequences” are prearranged by adults, offer a positive and a negative choice, and motivate children to use skills they already have. For example, if a child continues to snatch or grab toys. You can say, “Ariel, you can say may I have a turn? when you want an item your friend has and can continue playing together, or you can grab again, and you will play alone here on this table.”
In her book, Jane Nelson also highlights the 3 R’s of logical consequences. Logical consequences should be RELATED to the behavior (your child throws a toy, you take away the toy. Not related: you take away TV time), RESPECTFUL and not involve shame or blame (If your child spills a drink, you can say, “Oops, looks like you spilled it, let’s clean it up. Would you like me to help?”), REASONABLE (Ariel, it’s not okay to hit your sister with the ball. That hurts. You can play catch or even kick the ball. But if you hit your sister with the ball again, I’ll have to take it away.”)
Be prepared to follow through right away. Not following through right away or taking away privileges as a consequence a few hours later makes it overwhelming and confusing for toddlers and could lead to more tantrums and meltdowns.
For example, if your child continues poking you with a pen
AVOID: "If you don't stop that, no ice cream after dinner tonight." "Go into time-out NOW."
TRY: “Jack, it’s not okay to poke me with the pen. Pens are for writing. You can use this pen to draw. But if you continue poking me, I will have to take this pen away.” Be prepared to follow through right away.
Yes, a child's brain is still developing and they express themselves in the best way they know. That does NOT mean that you shouldn't have limits and boundaries. However, limits without empathy -- is based on fear. Do we want our kids to do what we want them to do based on fear? Do we want our kids to simply obey and not think or voice their opinions? Don't we want our kids to be able to self-discipline and self-regulate?
What is the difference between discipline and punishment? What are some positive discipline strategies?
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